Unpublished Entries

August 21, 2021

I am ‘beach people’ now.

I gave up my annual camping trip in the Northwest to join my family in Florida for a wedding and family vacation. Lainey and Mark love Grayton Beach, and had been so excited to share it with our family — that it was a pretty easy decision. We also were supposed to have Grant with us, and I had to choose the trip with my newest nephew. But after we lost Grant, this trip was something else, it was therapy, it was a somber reminder, and it was a chance to be with my sister as we continue to heal.

September 14, 2021

If I’m being honest...

I think I might be broken.

I don’t know what was in me that needed the Redwoods, but I feel that again. Like I need big trees. I need to cry into their soft new leaves. I need to see shamrocks in the wild and canyons covered in fern. I need to be able to breathe salty air, and swim in clear cold rivers. I need things to feel okay again.

I don’t want to be beach people. I want rivers and lakes and tall trees. and I want my sister to be okay, and I want to be okay, and I want Grant to still be here. I should be holding him, I should be home every minute that I am not working, holding him. In the next five years, we should be sharing videos and photos of how cute he was when he first started walking, talking, making us laugh.